(That was both sneeze joke and Nazi allusion.)
Fair warning: There may be some references below — perhaps, even the one above — that don’t register with most Americans.
THUS…In case you hadn’t heard, the British Isles have been livin’ quite the newsy 2015!
“British Isles” is an admittedly touchy collective term.
Don’t hate me Ireland!!! For I love you.
And now, an unchronological recap of the big “British Islander” stories since January, Stacy-style:
- The Royal Stink-Eye acquired a baby sister (whose clothes I shall soon covet…#KinderwhoreForever), and the United Kingdom acquired a “blood princess” — the ghastly term obsessively insisted-upon by the Royal Creep-Fest himself (Prince Andrew), in reference to his own daughters of York.
Prince George does not abide.
- The Royal Creep-Fest — along with Alan “Reversal of Fortune” Dershowitz, of all randos — got named and then stricken from the record in the Palm Beach County, Florida federal shit-show surrounding Jewish-American Über-Creep Jeffrey Epstein and alleged underage “sex slaves.”
Not actual Dershowitz.
- After a decade of indefatigable civil litigation, The Guardian triumphantly published the ominous Prince Charles “black spider” memos to government ministers…and said memos were revealed to be criminally boring. Upon reflection, that makes perfect sense and should have surprised no one.
HRH proved himself to be at once highly intelligent and painfully dull. (Duh!)
- “Cumbie” got repeatedly “batched” by Redmayne at award shows, despite having been in the better film. I watched THE IMITATION GAME  three times in 48 hours, balling my brains out every time! Moreover, I love that Downtown Tom was cast as [SPOILER ALERT!] Next-Generation Downtown Tom.
Can men please dress like this again soon?!
- Speaking of Alan Turing and the LGBTQ community…Ireland did arguably the coolest thing she has ever done. If you don’t get that reference: (1) shame on you; (2) read a damn newspaper and some Oscar Wilde; and (3) go watch THE IMITATION GAME!
- And, speaking of the people speaking (#YES!)…Following the late-2014 failure of the most recent Scottish independence referendum, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon has consistently rocked some serious Unicorn (and #GirlPower) — impressin’ the shite out o’ me non-votin’ arse in the doin’!
In the ongoing spirit of ever-fond cultural appropriation: “You go, girl!”
- That brings us to the general election held in Britain since last I “mused” for this site. It all went down on May 7th, and Lord Grantham — I mean, David Cameron — retained his Prime Ministry in a surprising (at least, to liberals such as myself) but unequivocally resounding Tory victory.
Not actual Cameron.
Since May 8th of this year, I’ve gotten an unfailing kick out of asking my fellow college-educated North Americans for their individual thoughts on what was a legitimately fascinating parliamentary election.
I like to ask two specific questions, actually:
- How do you feel about the recent UK election?
- How do you feel about the Prince Charles “black spider” memos?
And now, an anonymous tasting menu of my favorite responses to that still-active query (in no particular order):
— A full-Canuck (though actually Dutch-born) perspective, in an exchange with half-Canuck me:
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. What’s over the pond stays over the pond. — Except that Her Majesty is on your currency, oh ye citizen of the realm! — I can live with that. PS. Her majesty is only on the $20 bill. All the others are past Prime Ministers.”
— An elder Scottish-American perspective:
“I hope this doesn’t disappoint you, but as Cromwell told Lady Rochford when she told him Anne had taught Henry to do it in the “French Fashion”, I have no idea what you’re talking about when you mention the ‘black spider’ memos. … As for the UK elections, I guess I am disappointed that my favorite party, the Liberal Democrats, was virtually erased. They are probably my favorite, mostly because I am so counter-trend anyway, just on principal [sic]. I also wonder why the Scots, having rejected independence so recently, voted so strongly for the Scottish National Party. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised since, in the recent independence referendum a certain percentage of people voted both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. One recalls the joke from the old Monty Python skit about the Blancmenges [sic], after the first Englishman had been turned into a Scotsman ‘Any previous sign of mental deficiency whatever?’”
— A 21st-century female Irish-American (I think…apologies if I’m wrong!) perspective:
“1) people seem surprised by the outcome? That’s interesting… Other than that I know very little 2) …say what now?”
— A Georgia boy’s perspective, exclusively on Question #2:
“[T]he black spider memos bring up an interesting scenario. Sure the royal family is expected to remain neutral in terms of the functional government but shouldn’t the prince, as a citizen, have the right to voice his opinion? There is nothing stopping me from writing my [C]ongressman. I realize we are two separate countries but both Britain and the US pride ourselves on free speech. Just because he is royal, shouldn’t he still be allowed to exercise that right? … I also feel that, as a veteran with two sons serving in the military, Prince Charles has a right to voice his concerns regarding military matters just like any other British citizen.”
— A fellow “privileged” Jewish-American perspective:
“1) David Cameron defeated a Muppet and, based on Nicola Sturgeon’s performance, it may soon be far easier to comprehend a greater proportion of British people (though the Welsh still pose a problem).
2) Leave Charles alone! He’ll be 105 when he wheels through the procession at Westminster. Advocating on behalf of Cumbrian farmers or criticizing Qatari aesthetics isn’t exactly a violation of Magna Carta. The Guardian should still have plenty of stories with which it can incite the mob.”
— And, finally, my favorite response thus far:
“1. Fuck the Tories; up the SNP. 2. I have no idea what those are.”
* * *
So, dearest readers, “Damn the stereotypes of stupid Americans! My people are smart.”