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Random Memories

I was so excited to have a long holiday weekend with my husband. I should never think ahead. On Saturday morning I woke up with a coughing fit and suddenly felt like someone had driven a knife between my ribs and lung on my left side. I spent all day Saturday relaxing and taking pain medication. Saturday evening a sneeze popped out while I was in the little girl’s room and took the pain to an entire new level of pain. I thought I might faceplant the bathroom floor. I let my husband take me to the emergency room like he wanted to in the first place. It turns out that cough caused me to pull muscles in my chest to a severe degree. They sent me home with medication for inflammation and muscle spasms. So far my long weekend has consisted of watching lots of horror films and staying put in the recliner. I am even sitting in the recliner straight up to sleep so the muscles don’t pull. I made the mistake of watching Kathy Griffin’s “Whores on Crutches.” Big mistake. One joke near the end of the show gave me a belly laugh. On a scale of 1 to 10 my pain shot up to a 14. What was I thinking watching a comedian doing stand-up? I claim I am a dumb ass for that one.  So far my long holiday weekend has consisted of, brace yourselves, this is very exciting…a trip to Pizza Hut to eat lunch. Okay I am being facetious. So instead of thinking ahead anymore, I have decided to write a column thinking back. This will be an easy one because sleeping in the chair still hasn’t given me a lot of sleep. A wrong move or a cough and I have been wide awake. This gave me time to think and I love to reminisce. These memories may not have been happy at the time they took place but they are now and these happy memories helped distract me from the pain I am feeling right now.

A photo of me (in a non-injured state) and my husband having dinner with our very dear friends Homer (who took the photo) and Michael Bravo. I am member of the original Bravo family (that will be another column) and could not be more proud or love these men more.

A photo of me (in a non-injured state) and my husband having dinner with our very dear friends Homer (who took the photo) and Michael Bravo. I am member of the original Bravo family (that will be another column) and could not be more proud or love these men more.

Father Doesn’t Know Best aka How Not to Talk to a Nun.

I have stated that I grew up in Catholic school. I have also mentioned a Mother Superior who I still feel was a demon inside and was not fit to work with children. She made my life living hell while she was at our school. She was quick to yell and hand out old school punishment (which is why I have very neat handwriting).

I think I was in 6th grade when this incident occurred. I had complained to my father about her and stated that I did not like this woman. My father told me next time she started to tell her to quit acting like the Whore of Babylon. I did not entirely understand what that meant. Next time I found myself in her office guess what? Yep. I said exactly that. I am not sure if she hit me or threw something. All I am sure of is I spoke and the next thing I know is I was on the floor. Needless to say my Grandmother and Grandfather (who raised me) were being called to come in. I didn’t get suspended and I didn’t rat my father out. When I later told him of the incident he started laughing and said “That was a joke. You weren’t really supposed to say it.”

Dad, are you fucking kidding me?

“Death Proof”

One night my sister Taryn had come over to my house. We were rehearsing for an upcoming show so the living room was a full house. I served everyone dinner and we were watching “Death Proof” while we were eating. It got to the last portion of the movie where the ladies retaliate against Kurt Russell.

I looked at Taryn and said:

“Sis, couldn’t you imagine us doing something like that?”

Without losing a beat and very dead pan she said:

“What do you mean if?….Do you not remember that night on Kennedy Blvd that those teenage boys yelled at us and you took off after them? I thought you were going to get us killed.”

I actually had forgotten and now my sister called me out, so we shared the story with everyone else:

It was fairly late at night and we were cruising along in my 76 Dodge Charger. At the time we were in our late teens or early 20’s. We were at a stop light at the intersection of Kennedy Blvd and North Blvd just out of downtown Tampa. A car pulled up next to us and there were 2 boys (they had to be 16 or 17) in the vehicle. One of them yelled something (I don’t remember what) insulting. I think it might have been about my weight, who knows? The light turned green at that second and they pulled off quickly. I also pulled off quickly and got right on their bumper and turned my brights on.

Taryn started asking me what the hell I was doing. I told her I was pissed and I was going to beat that boy to a pulp. My poor sister, she didn’t know she had signed up for Florida’s newest thrill ride. I chased these boys all through downtown and I tapped their bumper once in downtown. We ended up on the interstate and hit around 80 miles per hour and I tapped the bumper once more (I stopped doing that, I did’t want to kill anyone) as we accelerated on our joyride from hell. We exited and went around the airport and back onto the interstate.

The ladies of "Death Proof" deciding to get revenge in an epic car chase.

The ladies of “Death Proof” deciding to get revenge in an epic car chase.

Taryn was in full panic mode trying to get me calmed down. I don’t get furious often but when I do I have blinders on. Taryn was sure that I was going to kill us both. We reached downtown on the return trip down the interstate and I finally slowed down and let the boys go. Taryn was scared and her voice finally broke through my fog of rage I was in. 10 minutes later it was like nothing happened as we were back off to cruising around again.

Luck was on my side that night. I don’t know how it was possible that not a single police officer saw us, but they didn’t. Taryn forgave me for scaring her half-out of her wits. I don’t know why I got so pissed at that moment but something snapped in me. I bet those boys never yelled at anyone in a car at a stoplight again. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

“The Blair Witch Project”

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love horror films. When I was very young my father took me to see “The Exorcist.” He had already seen the movie and would not sit through it twice being it frightened him so badly. I begged and pleaded upon it’s re-release and he finally gave in. He also left me at the theater to watch it by myself. It scared the hell out of me. It would take years before a movie scared me that badly again.

In 1999 a little independent film titled “The Blair Witch Project” was released. For a year prior to the film’s release the most innovative publicity campaign of all time would begin. A website was set up purporting that the film was real and the 3 stars were student filmmakers who vanished in the woods near Burkitsville, Maryland while working on a documentary and that a year of being missing their film had been recovered and cut into a non-fiction film. It took the country by storm and there are still people who believe the film to be made of real footage.


I knew the movie was fiction when I went to experience the phenomenon for myself. I sat enraptured with the film while the story of these 3 students played out. The film was very simple in context and entirely believable to myself. What I didn’t realize while I was watching the film was how delicate, yet intense, the horror was. I left the midnight screening and went home.

Upon arriving home I let my dog out for a walk. He went behind our home and I went to go get him. My feet froze to the spot. I was not going to walk into the dark to go get him. Looking at that dark I realized I was absolutely terrified of what might be lurking in it. I knew the movie was a fake but that did not matter. They used one technique that hit every fear sensor in my brain. The film never showed the witch or whatever was stalking these kids. All we saw was the fact that these kids were being terrorized and it was getting worse every night until they met with their deadly fate.

I am terrified of things I cannot see. This movie chose to show nothing. My imagination ran with it creating a faceless monster that was know stalking my life. I did not want to leave the house while it was dark and would be terrified the entire time I would take my dog for a nightly walk because my imagination knew the Blair Witch was waiting in the shadows. I slept with my lights on for about a month (if not more) after I saw the film. I was scared of something although I was not even sure what that was. For me this was a treat to be scared so deeply by a movie. Although I was scared to a high degree, I knew deep down that I was being silly, but I could not help it. I actually went to the theater to see the movie several more times and became fascinated watching the audience reactions to the film. We are now in 2014 and I am still waiting for the next film that will scare me that badly again. Step up the game filmmakers! I am waiting  for that next movie that will actually scare me.

That is 3 of them and I will stop here. I will continue to heal and should be good as new in a few days. In the meantime if the pain gets that bad in the middle of the night I will reach into my Rolodex of memories and help take my brain away from the discomfort I feel. Now I am going to take a tiny break and get on with my Movie Bad Girl of the Week column for tomorrow. Have a great holiday and be safe.






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