Bullshit. Whoever came up with these words of wisdom has obviously never tasted an Egg McMuffin, lasagna, cheesecake, Oreos, pizza, baked potato with extra butter and sour cream, baked macaroni and cheese, triple fudge brownies, wine, steak or a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast. I will be the first to admit that I love to eat. I love food and this is the time of year where people have made that New Year’s Resolution to diet and have a bikini body by June. They are overlooking one thing. There is no joy in a diet and it should be considered a four letter word in our vocabulary. The question is why does it have to be skinny? Why not medium sized or large? Why does it have to be a bikini? Why not a one piece or my favorite beach wear, a t-shirt and shorts? Why must we commit once a year to diet?
The definition of beauty in our society comes from advertisers and the media. They project these images of women and men who are rail thin and then try to scare you into believing this is what you should look like. I hold nothing against skinny people. I myself have always had a weight problem (at my biggest I weighed 325 and at my smallest 127, I looked like a walking corpse) and it is what it is. Do I feel less than attractive? Absolutely not. I have meat on my bones. I finally got it through my head that we are all different genetically and not all of us were meant to be thin. Some people are skinny while others, like myself are not. It does not mean I am lazy or that I gobble down food like a pig (although in the past I did have a problem with binge eating) I am going to share with you what I feel about my New Year’s Resolutions of the past to have a bikini body by June. This should be fun and hopefully some of you will relate and crack a smile at what I have to say.
Lies I would tell myself when dieting:
“I love my diet. I love eating salad two meals a day. I also love my breakfast, half a grapefruit and half a toasted bagel dry….YUM!”
This is the truth….for about 6 days. Then when I sit down to eat and watch others eating salad, followed by a big plate of spaghetti with meatballs and garlic bread, I begin to wonder how much I love those salads as I begin salivating while while watching them consuming that rich, delicious looking food. Then I practically want to jump across the table like an animal and steal that delectable looking molten chocolate lava cake with ice cream that they are finishing their meal with.
In the middle of the night I would get up and stare into the fridge with a psychotic look on my face thinking about all the food sitting there taunting me. I think of how good those things would taste. I am suddenly having a fantasy about making love to the food in my refrigerator. It is like that scene in “9 1/2 Weeks” where Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger make love in front of the fridge using some of the food in it. Now I am hungry and horny.
After 3 weeks when the thought of eating has lost all appeal I realize I have lost a total of 2 lbs. Two pounds? Really? Is it worth it? Yes I convince myself. I can lose weight and get into that slinky little cocktail dress I want so badly. At this rate it will only take me, lets see, 2 years 3 months and 3 weeks! Screw that, I’m eating a doughnut. End of diet.
“I can just eat every other day and cut my calorie intake by half”
This is easy……at first. You start out the first day eating meals and snacks as you normally would. The following day you fast and only have liquids. On a fasting day I am a little hungry by mid-afternoon so I drink more coffee and increase the number of cigarettes I am smoking to take my mind off the food. And this works. Now I know I will lose weight although at this rate I will be up until 4 am every other night while the caffeine wears off and I will have chronic smoker’s cough (I ask you is there anything sexier than a wide-eyed and jittery woman trying to hack up a lung?) but damn I will look good in no time!
A strange thing begins to occur by the 2nd week. On eating days I am consuming enough food for two days like this extra will carry over and keep my tummy happy on my fasting days. And it works until I reach the fasting day and realize that I am hungry and want to eat. I stick to this and end up putting weight on. Comedian Margaret Cho does a routine about dieting and eating and said it best when she proclaims: “I’m gonna put on mah eatin’ dress” You wonder what an eating dress is? Look at the picture below.
Now I am ready to eat. I start with the leftovers in the fridge. Once they are all gone I have a mixing bowl full of cereal. Hmmm? I need just a little more. What sounds good? I know! I’ll go to McDonald’s and get some french fries. If I stopped here it would be okay. What french fries turns into is a taco from Taco Bell, a triple cheeseburger from Wendy’s, a beef and cheddar from Arby’s and a foot long meatball sandwich with extra cheese from Subway. I need to get the food from different places. I wouldn’t want anyone at any of these restaurants to think I eat like a pig. I wash it all down with a large diet coke because I have to cut some calories somewhere. I gained 47 pounds. I threw the fasting days out the window and began eating every day. Sadly with my increasing girth I required more food. That was when I got to be my biggest. I had to force myself to eat less (and it was an uphill battle for every pound) and get back down to a healthier size. This had an adverse effect. I lost my mind while losing the weight and kept going getting way too thin for a change. I would go for days without eating. I lost weight and could see my hip bones, my ribs and if I could pull a Linda Blair from “The Exorcist” I could have done a 180 with my head and been able to see my vertebrae pushing out. I looked like an extra from “The Walking Dead” and yet I told myself I only needed to lose 10 more pounds. I was light-headed all the time. I had no more body fat so my immune system shot real low, I got cold at the drop of a hat and looked like at any second I was going to keel over and die. Sexy. The reason was that even though I was emaciated I still saw a fat person in the mirror staring back at me. This was the body dysmorphia that so many (especially teens) suffer from. This took psychological help to get past. I got past it a little too well (or so I thought) because I ended up plump again. I realized that we are all different and we will all be different sizes and the fact is I enjoy eating. We need to love who we are and not what we wish we were. Keep in mind that diets can work. The problem most people seems to encounter is when they reach their goal weight they go back to their old eating habits and that can undo all you have worked for. A diet is a life-long commitment and it needs to be coupled with some kind of exercise to really make it work. Second thing I want to share is that scales are not your friend. It can be disappointing to be thinking of numbers instead of your actual body size. I don’t use scales anymore. I do however watch how my clothes fit. It tells me where I am at. I used to watch the numbers only to get really let down by the results. I am now a vegetarian (this has nothing to do with my weight but rather how I feel about animals) and I am still plump and happy. I love me just as I am.
For 2014 I have not made a resolution. I have however made the decision to make some life-style changes for myself. I am going to make better food choices and cut down on the amount of soda and coffee I consume. If I lose some weight doing it great! If I don’t that is alright too. I just want to be healthier and have the chance of a longer life. I am getting myself an electronic cigarette to try and cut down on the amount that I smoke. If I can completely leave my cigarettes behind that is a bonus, right now, realistically, I am going to try to cut down. I am going to get some kind of exercise going being I sit at a desk most of the time and I promise myself that I will have more of a social life. All work and no play……I also plan to improve my attitude with these changes I have selected for myself and love myself even more. You should have been with me last week. I allowed myself one week to consume anything I like in any quantity and it was fun. Now as of today the changes begin. It will be a road well worth traveling. Don’t make resolutions, make actual changes in a realistic fashion. I debated whether to include the photo below or not. This is me as I look right now. Mind you the costume is for a comedy character I do on stage (I do not actually dress like this) I wanted you to see that I do not have muffin top, I have loaf of bread top. In six months I will post a new picture wearing this costume and see if I look any different. I will be happy either way because I love me and I am worth it……and so are you. Thin, heavy or in-between, you are beautiful. Don’t change to be who people want you to be, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. Have a happy and safe 2014! xoxo