I was in the grocery store. I have a two boxes of spaghetti, a jar of sauce, some ground meat and a loaf of Italian bread. The cashier who is a dear older woman asked the question:
Cashier: Are you having pasta tonight? (you did not just ask me that.)
Me: Actually no. I have to take the spaghetti noodles and build a fence around my flower garden that is just tall enough to keep the neighbor’s garden gnomes out. They are pesky little things.
Everyday we have conversations. We ask questions and get answers. Sometimes, however, we get questions about something that are so obvious they should not be asked. Other times we get what a call a loaded question which can lead to a naughty answer. Today that is what I want to do. Share some of these delightfully funny questions and what I hope are even funnier responses. Sit back and enjoy. I hope I can share a smile with you today. I would love to hear some of your best funny questions and your wonderful responses. This is Monday Funday so let’s have some fun.
Word your questions carefully:
This happened when I was about 16 years old. (Yes I was a smart ass then too) I was babysitting my infant sister and decided to go do some shopping. So I am walking through Tampa Bay Center, pushing a stroller with my sister in it. I think I was headed to the bookstore when this middle aged woman in a business suit walks up and looks down into the stroller. She smiles and looks at me and asks:
Lady in the business suit: Oh my God! How cute! What is it?
Me: (deadpan) A baby.
I knew what she actually meant but it was too good to pass up.
I went to Subway to purchase a sandwich. The place wasn’t super busy although there were about 3 people in line with me and I was in a mischievous mood. There were two teenage boys working (they appeared to be 17 or 18) and the question was too good to pass on.
Subway Sandwich Artist: Ma’am would you like a 6 inch or a 12 inch?
I look at him for a moment then glanced over at the other boy who is waiting to dress my sandwich. I could not help it. I look back at him and answered with a question (I may go to hell for this one) of my own.
Me: I’m not sure. Which one of you is which?
Everyone is line bursts out laughing, the boy who asked the question is laughing, the other boy has flushed red and vanishes to the back. I guess that answered my question.
Panhandlers are everywhere. They seem to congregate at convenience stores for the most part. They are a pain in the neck. For people who truly have fallen on hard times, I do feel badly for you. This applies to the people who really don’t want to work and figure they can get it from you.
Panhandler: Do you have an extra cigarette?
I pull out my pack, look in it, close it and reply.
Me: No they only gave me 20. Sorry
Panhandler: Could you spare a couple of bucks. I ran out of gas and I am trying to get to (Insert destination here)
Me: Where is your car?
Panhandler: It ran out a couple of blocks away. I just need to get a little gas. 5 dollars would do.
Me: Your hands are empty. You don’t have a gas can. How do you plan to get the gas to your car?
Panhandler: Um…my kids are at the car. We’re going to push it here.
Me: I’ll tell you what. I have a gas can. I’ll buy you a couple gallons of gas and drive you back to your car.
Panhandler: (with the color draining from his face) Can’t you just give me the cash? You don’t have to go to all that trouble. (Yeah buddy. I do. I get the feeling that there is no car)
Me: If you want cigarettes or a beer you are barking up the wrong tree. I will help you with gas if you need it. I will not support your habits.
Panhandler: Bitch! (stalks off)
Lovely end to a lovely conversation.
This one is for all the parents out there and has nothing to do with questions, just statements. My family did it and I am pretty sure you’ve done it. This is something that tickles me every time I hear it. A parent is mad at their child for doing something and is giving them a reprimand. The conversation goes something like this.
Parent: Stop crying! If you don’t stop crying I’m going to give you something to cry about! Look at me when I am talking to you! (the child glares at you so now you contradict yourself) Don’t you look at me like that! I’m going to slap that smart look off your face! (the child is upset and confused. This is not the best way to stop their crying) It is possible to speak in a calm manner to the child. They already feel bad. You will get a lot further in a low tone of voice. Just saying.
This is a true story and I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard at a response in my life. I was working in Circus World Toys as a manager. It was about 4 days before Christmas. I watched a woman come in with her daughter.The girl was about 7 years old. I listened in as they entered the store.
Mother: Honey, we’re just looking. Christmas is coming up.
This statement is fine until the child looks around the store and sees 400 items that she cannot possibly live without. They were in the store for about 10 minutes. As they are heading to the entrance I hear this conversation.
Child: I want a toy Mommy.
Mother: I told you we were just looking honey.
Child: (her voice going up an octave) I want a toy.
Mother: Come on, we have to get home.
The child is now frozen to the spot refusing to budge.
Child: Toy Mommy! I want a toy!
Mother: I said no! Now let’s go!
Child: (her voice becomes absolutely explosive and she stomps her feet to boot) I WANT A TOY!
Mother: (now having lost all patience) YOUNG LADY! DO YOU WANT A SPANKING?!?!
Child: (so calm that it is scary and stated with deadly precision) No mother…I do not want a spanking. I…want… a toy.
Game over. I hit the ground laughing. Well played little girl.
Here is a quick list a few more questions that can earn you the nickname Captain Obvious:
An elevator is on the 1st floor: Are you going up?
You see a person with a name tag and a uniform shirt baring the name of the store you are in: Do you work here?
You make a phone call to someone at 3 in the morning. It rings multiple times and you finally hear a groggy voice on the other end: I’m sorry, were you sleeping?
Somebody comes into a building you are in and they are sopping wet: Is it raining?
Now here is one answer that you hear commonly. This answer is a lie.
Where do you want to eat?
I don’t care. Yes you do.
I go through this with my husband. He will say he does not care and then shoot down 8 suggestions of mine in a row. Dammit! Just tell me where you want to go! We can spend 2 hours in the car driving just trying to decide which restaurant is “I don’t care”. He will usually tell me where I don’t care is if I take his arm and try to take a bite out of it like one of the zombies from “The Walking Dead” because I am so hungry by this point. Maybe I should just give in to I don’t care. This way we will never arrive at a restaurant and I could shed a few pounds.
I hope you had fun. Enjoy your week and be safe!