I am sitting here thinking about my Monday Just for Fun column and realize I have no idea what I want to write about. It has to be posted in the morning and here I sit still thinking about what could be humorous and fun. Has my creativity dried up? No that’s not it. Maybe I need some coffee, hot, strong and black. You know black is my favorite clothing color and not just because it is slimming. I tried Slim-Fast once. It was too expensive and all I could think of is how hungry I was between those shakes for breakfast and lunch until my sensible dinner, only by that time I was so hungry those dinners weren’t all that sensible as I made love to the refrigerator and ate anything that wasn’t glued down. I think I may have eaten half a can of Alpo by accident one of those times.
Time is ticking away and it is getting later yet my mind is still a blank. How I wish someone would give me a blank check and say “The world is yours, now go and have a ball!” Lucille Ball was such a funny lady and the Vitameatavegamin episode still gets a belly laugh out of me any time I see it. “It” was one of Stephen King’s best books. I would love to write a book someday. How the hell am I going to write a book if I can’t even get one simple column done for the week? I have had two weeks to get this done and BLAMMO! Sunday night and I am just now thinking about what subject would be interesting to read about. Don’t ever watch “About Schmidt”. I found it to be incredibly dull. It should have been called “About Shit”. Shit I am wasting time and the words are not going to write themselves. That would be something to see but at this point it would be like the words “Help Me” appearing on Regan’s belly in “The Exorcist”. “The Exorcist” is my favorite movie of all time. There is that word again. Time. And it is running out. Oh my gosh! I am almost out of foundation for my face. I must make sure to go and get some. Hmmm, while I am at it we are almost out of toilet paper and I really need to go and buy some groceries. I need to get some salad fixings. I could afford to lose a few pounds. If I can’t figure out what to write about soon I am going to wind up with a pounding headache. I like taking Advil when I have a headache. It seems to work the best.
One of the best times I ever had was on my 17th Birthday. There was this college boy named David and he took me out. We were suppose to be going to the movies and instead he parked his car and we reclined the seats and “STOP RIGHT THERE MISSY!” Good idea. If I start thinking about that I may never get anything written tonight. I liked The Tonight Show when the host was Johnny Carson. Carson Daly was on MTV for a number of years. I remember when MTV actually played music. Maybe I need some music to get my creative juices flowing. Maybe some Lady Gaga or Eartha Kitt. Eartha Kitt played Catwoman on Batman. I love they way she purred when she talked. I talked to my Aunt on the phone earlier this week. We caught up on all the family gossip. “Gossip Girl” was a show I could never invest in. “Sex and the City” was my show. I was sad when the show ended. I love spending time with Carrie Bradshaw and her friends. “Friends” was another show I could not get into and it seems like it is on 30 different stations now. I didn’t like it the first time. Now I am assaulted with it when I am channel surfing. I wish I could surf but it would be a pretty worthless talent here, the beaches get lousy waves. Don’t you hate it when someone waves in your direction and although you can’t place them you smile and wave back to be polite and then you have that moment of awkward because you realize it wasn’t you they were waving at and now you look like some kind of weirdo waving at no one.
I have now been sitting here for an hour and still have no subject for this column. OH MY GOD! My husband just crept up behind me at startled me by telling me about FSU facing Auburn in the National Championship Game. I thought he was in our bedroom watching “Once Upon a Time…” Once Upon a Time there was a beautiful columnist (and princess) named Alexandra. She was middle aged and fabulous with hair to die for. She wrote the most incredible columns and the people enjoyed them, everyone that is except the rival columnist (and evil queen) Romy Blaylock (If you are Romy Blaylock I aplogize, I just made this name up off the top of my head). She put a curse on Alexandra and her mind became a blank and she could no longer write. Her readers became very unhappy because no new columns were coming. Then one day the handsome actor (and prince) Vin Diesel found out about the evil curse. He found Alexandra sitting in front of her keyboard crying because the words would not come. He with the help of his sidekick Wanda Sykes battled the evil Romy and beat the bitch down, banishing her forever . He then kissed Alexandra and the curse was broken. She could write again! She repaid the kind prince by fuc, uh, um…., and they lived happily ever after. Yeah that’s it. Why is it so hard to write this evening. I usually have no problem. The cat is staring at me. What is he thinking? No telling, cats have the exact same expression whether they are looking at the food you are eating or are looking at a person standing behind you with a large bloody knife raised up. Up up and away I must finish this column today, well tonight at this point. Why do people get mad and point a finger at you when they are yelling? Do they think by some stretch of the imagination that because they are right in your face screaming that maybe, somehow, you have gotten confused and believe they are yelling at someone in the next room so they must make it clear that it is you, and you alone, that is the focus of their rage? Who knows? Back to the task at hand…..
I guess I am going to disappoint everyone this week because there is just nothing for me to say. I thought I could come up with a fun column and instead I am getting nowhere. What to write? What to write? Vin Diesel? Vin? Can you hear me? I’m waiting for you to come break the curse. Hello?