I am hopping up on my soapbox this week and it is going to be fun. We all know who these people are. If you are one of them I am begging and pleading that you realize it is not too late to change your wicked ways.
Dear Jerk in traffic,
There are so many of you and I will address a few. If you are on this list I suggest staying home or having some one else drive you around.
Impatient Polly: When the light turns green give me more than 1/2 second before you lay on your horn. I have to make sure that no one is running the damn light before I drive into the intersection. I have decided that the shortest measure of time (at least here in Florida) is the millisecond it takes the person behind you at the light to honk their horn because they are in a hurry.
The Multi-Tasker: We have all seen this person. They are talking on the phone, sending a text message, changing the radio station, eating their breakfast, putting sugar in their cup of coffee and folding laundry while driving down the interstate in morning traffic at 80 miles per hour. Let me say this, “You scare the hell out of me” We are whizzing along in traffic where a miscalculation on your part can cause a major accident like the one at the beginning of “Final Destination 2.” While in the car your entire focus should be on driving the car. If you look away for a second to, I don’t know, select a CD to listen to, it could very well be the moment that I have to apply my brakes. If you are looking in the CD folder you will not see my brake lights and oh boy!
The Turn Signal Fake-Out: This is most common with the elderly. This is the person that does one of two things. One, they turn on their blinker to make a left hand turn….6 blocks before the turn. Two, they make a turn and somehow the turn signal stays on for the next 42 miles. This one lulls you into a false sense of security and it comes as a huge shock when you actually realize their brake lights have come on.
The Tortoise: This is the person that drives in two speeds. Slow and mosey. I believe in being safe while driving but we can go a little faster than 25 miles per hour unless it is otherwise posted. Most of us are not out for a scenic ride.
And the Hare: You are on the interstate. The speed limit is 70. You are cruising along at 76 miles per hour so you are in fact driving above the speed limit. This cheerful person gets right on your bumper and flashes their lights at you to move over or they begin honking at you. They then get angry and speed around you at 85 while flipping you off. I guess you weren’t speeding fast enough.
The Quick Change Artist: This is a person you see on the interstate all the time. You have a view of them in the lane next to you. There is a turn-off coming up. 10 feet from the turn off they fight to get in front of you because this is where they need to go. Did they not realize this a mile ago?
The DJ: You encounter them at stop lights. They pull up next to you with their radio and bass pumping so loud that the windows in your car actually vibrate. The music is so high in decibel that you can’t hear your own radio, your thoughts or an explosion 15 feet away. The music is usually full of profanity. I don’t mind that in music, however, I would like to choose the music it is in for myself, also, I would like to actually be able to hear that song choice at the time I have selected it. I should not have to wait for a green light.
The Trapper: You pull into the McDonald’s drive-thru. You want a Big Mac and a soda. A car pulls up behind you. You are now trapped in the drive-thru (cue ominous music). It is your lunch break. The person in front of you has no idea what they want to eat, it is McDonald’s after all and the menu is just so huge with 600 plus items to choose from. We are at McDonald’s! You should know what they serve and what you want. I have to be back at work in 30 minutes! If you are not sure park the car and go inside. Don’t hold us up! It is even worse if you pull up behind the woman with 49 children in her car and they are all yelling what they want to eat….at the same time.
The NASCAR Driver: This is a delightful person that is in a hurry and does not want to be behind your slow moving butt. They whip around you to speed by. You catch up to them at the stop light. Now they are revving their engine like Dale Earnhardt Jr. waiting on that green. They speed off just so they can go around the next person and have to wait at another light. How’s that working out for you Dale?
The Viper: This applies to people on motorcycles. You always see the bumper stickers that say “Look out! Motorcycles are everywhere” That is fine if you ride it responsibly. However this is directed at the idiots that go down the interstate or highway at 90 plus miles an hour weaving in and out of traffic with a snake like pattern. I once had one of these daredevils come within 2 inches of my bumper and I slammed on my breaks nearly causing an accident with the cars behind me. Newsflash! YOU DO NOT OWN THE ROAD! If you ever do this to me or anyone else I hope one day you get a case of explosive diarrhea that is so severe that even your top speed will not allow you to get to a toilet in time.
The Fake Out: This is a person that is going somewhere for the very first time or is not entirely familiar with where to turn off to get to their destination. They will signal they are going to turn, they start to turn and at the last second straighten the car out because it wasn’t the correct turn. They may do this to you 4 or 5 times. Most phones now have GPS…please use it.
Gollum: This is that sweet and caring individual that sees you need to get over but will not let you. They speed up and slow down with you to prevent you from moving over. You activate your turn signal and you see them driving along saying : “Yes my precious. You are mine. You are my road, my precious” I have a statement for you if you do this, “Yes my precious, you are an asshole and a road hog.”
On a more serious note….
There are two types of drivers that make my blood boil for real. One of them is the person who will drive a car with a handicap sticker on it and will use the handicap space even if the handicap person is not with them. It is one thing if you need the space. If you are healthy and can walk the distance with ease leave the space for someone who really needs it. It breaks my heart to see an old person, or any other person for that matter, struggling with every step to get to a building.
Keep in mind as I say this that I am a smoker, however, if there is a child present in the vehicle DO NOT SMOKE! It is not fair to that child. I choose to smoke and so do you. The child in the car did not and it is abusive to make that child inhale our second hand smoke. I see people do it all the time and I do not like it. It makes me even angrier to see a child in a car with a smoker with all the windows rolled up because the person driving thinks it is too hot outside to let the window down. They want to ride in a nice cool car. Now the child is stuck in an air-conditioned box full of cigarette smoke. Please, if there is a child there, wait until you get out of the car to light up.
I hope you had fun and I would love to hear of driving habits that send you up the wall. Have a great week and be safe!